Just a note to say that I finally posted another installment in my sunscreen fiasco, but because I began it way back last week, it posted it way down the page. Go check it out.

I know some people might find this post, well, gross. Sorry, Mom.

We had a pet banana spider. She set up her web in one of our patio chairs, so we gently moved her to the corner of the patio by the door. We named her Charlotte. Okay, I named her Charlotte, and the boys smiled and nodded.

I caught Andrei and Andrew out by her web, looking awfully guilty one day. They were catching flies and tossing them into her web to watch her eat them. It was really, really interesting.

Then, one day, something happened. It seemed she had grown a LOT overnight, and then Andrei noticed ... something ... in her web ... what was it? The LEGS of another banana spider!

Did she eat another spider? Or did a bigger spider come along and eat her and take her web? We may never know. I started thinking of new names for our spider. Cain? Jack the Ripper? But shortly thereafter, I went out and found our spider gone. Gone? Aww. Even if it's a murderous replacement, I was a little sad.

Then we found her in the opposite corner. I think she was annoyed by the door opening and closing and deforming her web. So here she is, in her new home, working hard to keep our home bug-free.

In Lieu of a Long Post

Resources I consulted about feeding my baby:
Kellymom.com
Drsears.com
The Baby Book
The Vegetarian Mother and Baby Book
Simply Natural Baby Food
Feeding the Whole Family
my prenatal yoga teacher
near-strangers
my mom
my husband
my son

What I decided to do:
listen to my heart and follow my baby

PS - yes I'm still planning on getting back to the sunscreens. It has gotten even more complicated.

PPS - Me to Andrew: Do you know why I love you? Because you're Andrew!
Andrew: Don't forget it.
LOL!

Isn't this beautiful? I was mixing up my herbal tea and it was too gorgeous not to photograph.


And this is the recipe:

2 parts whole hibiscus flowers (this is the sensational red flower petal taking center stage up there)
2 parts spearmint
2 parts lemon balm
1 part red raspberry leaf
1 part nettle leaf
1 part oatstraw
1 part red raspberry leaf
1 part rosehips
1 part fennel seeds

Or something like that. Approximately.

I scoop out 1/4 cup and pour 1 liter (1 quart, 4 cups) of boiling water and 1/4 teaspoon of stevia powder over it and steep for 15 minutes. Then I drink a cup hot and pour the rest over ice for the rest of the day.

It is yummmy.

Sunscreens: Unanswered Questions

So, my main concern is that according to both CR and EWG, many sunscreens simply don't protect you like they say they do. The great thing about CR is that they actually test products. In a lab. Using the scientific method, as far as I can tell. The problem with CR is that they haven't reviewed as many brands as EWG. Their "ratings" (which are off-limits on the web, ha ha, but I have the magazine right in front of me) include only 10 sunscreens whereas EWG lists nearly a thousand.

EWG, however, states this: "Our assessment is based on a detailed review of hundreds of scientific studies, industry models of sunscreen efficacy, and toxicity and regulatory information housed in nearly 60 government, academic, and industry databases." Um, what does that mean? Does it mean somebody googled their ingredients and plugged them into a database? Or that they actually lab-tested them? No way of knowing as far as I can tell. Is an analysis of "industry models of sunscreen efficacy" as valuable as a lab assessment of "protection against ultraviolet A and ultraviolet B radiation?"

The CR ratings tend to show that sprays give the best water resistance, but I really don't want to use a spray so I don't end up breathing any of it in and because it seems difficult to use. The EWG ratings often give high marks (usually "1") to sticks, which also seem difficult to use, especially on a squirmy kid.

Some brands, like Blue Lizard and CVS, are recommended by both. Unfortunately, CR says not to shop by brand because some "different SPFs within the same brand may not rate the same," and EWG clearly lists different formulas within the same brand with a wildly diverse "toxicity score." So, whereas EWG advises me to get any Blue Lizard without oxybenzone (a "high-hazard" chemical, according to their database), CR advises me to only buy the one with oxybenzone.

Still. Getting. Nowhere. And now my brain hurts.

So, keeping it simple, I narrowed it down to 4 sunscreens that seem, um, not so bad? And I'm sure you'll guess what I use as the determining factor. In the absence of any other clarity, one thing is always clear, and that is money. And how little of it I spend.

Mustela sounded good, but it is nearly $10 an ounce, plus shipping. According to CR, I'm supposed to use 2-3 tablespoons per application. Ouch. However, it's the ONLY ONE recommend by name by both CR and EWG. Am I obsessing here?

California Baby, which is a brand I really like, is still pricey at $7.24 an ounce, again, not including shipping. It gets really high marks from EWG, though, so it's tempting. Not mentioned at all by CR.

Blue Lizard, better, at just over $3 an ounce, and especially good because both EWG and CR recommended that brand, even if different formulas for different reasons. I know, I know, "buying by brand" is a no-no.

CVS brand 45+ sunscreen, however, is both cheap, and free of oxybenzone, using octinoxate and octocrylene, both given good marks from the EWG.

Let me just say here that this is the one I got. I pulled all they had off the shelf at CVS in a greedy, annoyed huff. Okay, not really. But I was greedy. I thought, by golly, if I finally found it, I'm getting 3.

Um, and then I remembered nanoparticles. Oh, it's hopeless. Stay tuned for that disaster.

Sunscreen

Okay, so I'm almost out of my sunscreen from last year. That is, the ones I can find. There are probably 4 hiding in closets somewhere around here. But what to buy? I generally try to put very pure things on my skin, knowing how well they are absorbed, but just smearing on straight Desitin doesn't seem all that appealing. Nor pure, actually.

Fortunately for me (!) two of my favorite consumer review sites are riding to the rescue! Consumer Reports just issued new ratings, and the EWG has had their reviews out for some time (theirs are free, by the way. CR only publishes their article for free, not the reviews).

Don't get too excited though. They have totally different priorities. CR tested sunscreens in their trial for actual effectiveness and water-resistance. EWG only looks at ingredients for safety. And they don't exactly match.

What's a mom to do? Smear on stuff that has some dubious ingredients but definitely works? Use sunscreen that may not really work as well but won't leach chemicals into our bloodstreams? Is there a compromise? Stay tuned.

On a similar note, I'm a little freaked out by the billboards popping up around town encouraging me to eat the right fish: "Eating fish? Choose low-mercury." (or something like that) They go on to list fish that are safe. Does anyone else think this is eerily dystopian? I mean, we have so polluted our waters that public-health media campaigns are encouraging us to avoid certain previously-safe foods. I think I saw the same billboard in Soylent Green. Or was it Children of Men?

And while we're at it, this is creepy, too: "Evil Corporate Slimeballs Plot to Get Knocked-Up Teen to Market Poisons" ...okay, not the real title, but I'm a little tipsy for lack of sleep this morning.

Today after a harrowing trip through the commissary, I settled Andrew in his car seat and sat down to nurse Liliana in the shade. Andrew said, "I wish I could do that. I wish I could be the mommy and nurse Liliana."

Late Rage

I apologize in advance for my language.

So, apparently, before I was even a mom, Real Simple magazine published an article called, "20 Time-Wasting Rules to Break." You know, like, matching your shoes to your handbag. SUCH a waste of time. (especially when your handbag weighs 15 pounds and is the size of a small pony. Like mine.)

Oh, yeah, and removing the clothes from the washer in a timely manner. Eh. You can just rewash them if you forget. Like I do.

OH, right, of course, I forgot this one: BREASTFEEDING. Seriously, people, Real Simple magazine was THAT STUPID.

You know, I'm a total Rule Freak. I ALWAYS have my fish with red wine, and I never miss a day of Dear Abby! And just to be even more of a tight-ass, I breastfeed too. Just to show everybody how perfect I am.

ARG! $*@#%^%&* ARGGHH!

This was in 2003. I can assume that by now they've had the shit kicked out of them enough that I can probably go eat my breakfast without writing a nasty letter. But I had to do SOMEthing. This is the kind of absolute shitty nonsense that I think of when baffled by our obscenely high formula-feeding rates.

For fairness' sake, I have to say I have not read the article, I found a reference to it in a very interesting article on pollutants in breastmilk. But you can read all about it where I did, here at Hathor the Cow Goddess, (I HEART Hathor, btw.. not just love, heart. as a verb. yes, I went there, I'm very emotional this morning.) and at these forums here.

We adults lie in little ways every minute. Children are honest.

Andrew was absolutely distraught when he was facing the fact that he was not going to get to go to the pool that I had just taken him to go see, and suggested to him he could go to today. I know, I am terrible. Totally my fault. I suck.

Anyway, he was red-faced, throwing himself on the floor, throwing things.. you get the picture. When he yelled at me to shut up, I finally got off my lazy butt and went after him. He was writhing on the floor in the bedroom, so I got down on the floor some distance from him (for my own safety? perhaps.) and began to try to figure out what on earth to do. Repeatedly threatening to have Grandpa leave because Andrew didn't want to play.. not working.

So, I started just watching him. He was really, really upset. So I said that. "You're really, really sad about the pool, aren't you?" Sobs. I've been reading about "Focusing," so I said: "Do you feel the sadness in your body?" He nodded, looking for all the world like someone had died. "Where do you feel it?

In all seriousness, he gazed at me with his big eyes, and choked out, "In my knees," pointing. "And my feet." Sniff.

Taking the idea and, apparently, running with it, he went on: "...and in my eyes. And my nose and my mouth and my forehead." Sob. "And my chin." Sob. "I feel it everywhere."

Wow. He was totally serious. I have no doubt I've just opened up some kind of amazing avenue of study. It's midnight, though, and a roach just skittered along the floor like it had every right to be here and I can't really think straight anymore. Ugh. I feel THAT everywhere.

A Portrait of the Artist's Mother (Before Breakfast)

This Day Sucks

And now my husband is mad at me too. I hate this day.

To my dear son,

Do you know how long it took me to do the Weekly Home Blessing Hour before you were born? ONE HOUR. ONE HOUR. I started it, did it, and finished it. Today, I tried. I really, really did. But I didn't even finish it in the WHOLE DAY. WHY oh why do you always wake up the baby? And what is with the hitting? And the whining? And the legos all over the floor.

And Liliana. You are a dear, sweet, milky baby, and I love you. But why the screaming today? Why the constant need to be on. my. body. Constantly. I have to navigate my spoon around your head to get it to my mouth. Juggle you to use both hands for filling a glass of water. Lean over you to yank a bowling pin out of your brother's hand so he won't hit me with it. Hike you up on my chest so I can use the toilet. Please.

Arg!

But, I remind myself, I have this: